MARC KUDISCH: Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney is all chin, smirk, and hair – he’s the galvanizing Gaston of the 2012 election, which is why Broadway’s Marc Kudisch is the perfect fit, having played Gaston in Beauty and the Beast for years. He’s also got that smug business guy thing down pat (9 to 5’s Franklin Hart Jr. was totally a Republican). We’ve put in a request for the Book of Mormon guys to be his Greek chorus, but haven’t heard back.
CHRISTINE EBERSOLE: Imagine Tony Award winner Christine Ebersole riding First Lady candidate Ann Romney’s dancing dressage horse, Rafalca, across the stage in the most epic equine theater moment since War Horse. Ebersole’s made a career of playing upper-monied ladies, like Edie Beale in Grey Gardens and Regina Rich in 1994’s big screen adaptation of the comic Richie Rich, so her Ann Romney’ll be immaculate as Ebersole performances tend to be.
BRIAN STOKES MITCHELL: Is there a leading man on Broadway better suited to play President Barack Obama than Tony Award winner Brian Stokes Mitchell? No. (He was Colehouse Walker Jr., y’all! That guy was a revolutionary! PS: We are talking about Ragtime!) Just look at the ears! That determined stare! His ability to wear a blue necktie like a champ! We say “forward (period)” with Stokes’ run for our dream POTUS.
AUDRA McDONALD: Audra McDonald + Michelle Obama + 11 o’clock number = a sixth Tony Award win for McDonald, most recently of Porgy and Bess. Not only does Broadway royalty Audra McDonald look the part, she’s got the presence, style, and rockin’ arms to pull off being First Lady. She’ll also have dead-on chemistry with her presidential onstage husband – we’re reuniting her with Ragtime co-star Brian Stokes Mitchell.
BARRY BOSTWICK: We’d be loathed to leave out Democratic golden-boy and President Bill Clinton, who stole the spotlight from the current administration during the DNC this fall with his signature swagger and policy debates. Tony Award winner Barry Bostwick showed off swagger as Danny in Grease and can do it again as Clinton in Election 2012: The Musical. Picture Bostwick and Stokes as Judas and Jesus doing an “All for the Best” tap duet (a la Godspell), about the positive economics of gay marriage. It’d be genius.
CHERRY JONES: CHERRY JONES FOR PRESIDENT! Um…we mean, Hillary Clinton for President! Or, just…whatever, this really doesn’t need an explanation. Tony Award-winner Cherry Jones (who was already a president on the TV series 24) should obviously be Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in our imaginary musical about presidents and elections and stuff. No one else could do Clinton justice.
JOHN LARROQUETTE: He’s a lot taller than real-life sitting Vice President Joe Biden, but Tony Award winner John Larroquette (most recently of political play Gore Vidal’s The Best Man) is the best man to nail Biden’s trademark off-the-cuff one-liners, which are either hilarious or tragic depending on what side of the aisle you sit. We’re dreaming of a musical number where he just laughs through a debate with Paul Ryan while dancing moderators perform high-octane choreography by Rob Ashford.
CHRISTINE EBERSOLE, again: Ann Romney and Jill Biden. They’re basically the same person, right? Have we ever seen both of them in the same place at the same time? And why do politicians only marry blonde chicks in starched-collar button down shirts? Whatever. Ebersole again. She’ll get another Tony for swinging both ways (Republican and Democrat).
TOM KITT: It is in no way relevant that Tom Kitt is not an actor. The Tony Award-winning orchestrator and composer of shows like Next to Normal and American Idiot (insert snarky political joke here) is a dead ringer for Vice Presidential candidtate Paul Ryan. He’ll be the guy stopping the show with a self-composed ode to Ayn Rand and her book Atlas Shrugged, performed while doing push-ups.
KERRY BUTLER: Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan’s wife, Janna, is so impossibly sweet and perky looking that animated Disney birds follow her around. No one does Disney ingénue better than Tony Award nominee Kerry Butler. We discussed a Xanadu-style roller-skating number for Kerry (on the floor of the RNC, maybe?) but scrapped it when we realized it would scare the hell out of Ann Romney’s horse.
AUSTIN PENDLETON: Ron Paul doesn’t have a thing to do with the 2012 election at this point, but Tony Award nominated actor and director Austin Pendleton would be so perfect as the Libertarian-turned-Republican-candidate-turned-pundit that we’ve decided to write him in on our ballot. Maybe he’ll just sit there all night, like Bob Martin in The Drowsy Chaperone. It doesn’t matter. We want Pendleton as Paul.
ELAINE STRITCH’S STOOL: Our show would be nothing without Tony Award winner Elaine Stritch’s stool from Broadway’s Elaine Stritch at Liberty. It is the only piece of furniture with the strength, fearlessness, and wide emotional range necessary to play Clint Eastwood’s empty chair, the star of the Republican National Convention. When our Stokes’ President Barack Obama and the empty chair finally meet face to legs, the moment will transcend commercial theater and cross over into sublime art. Thank you, Ikea. Thank you.
No matter how the actual election unfolds, we here at TM can rest easy knowing our votes for actors pretending to be real people in a fake musical have been counted. Democracy in action.
