Trump! The Musical! to Debut at the Kennedy Center

President Donald J. Trump and the board of trustees at the Kennedy Center have announced the center’s most ambitious commission to date. Trump! The Musical! will be a bio-musical about the real estate mogul and reality TV star who became America’s 45th and 47th president.

“It’s going to be just like Hamilton without DEI,” said the president in a press conference. “And you know what?,” he added, “It’s going to be even better than Evita … and with a happier ending. We love a happy ending.”

Since he was elected chairman of the Kennedy Center board in February, President Trump has cited “Broadway hits” as the centerpiece of future programming, expressing special admiration for the megamusicals of the 1980s.

“What’s all the best: Phantom of the Opera or Les Miz?,” the America-first president polled his fellow trustees in boardroom audio recently obtained by the New York Times—with all agreeing on Phantom.

TheaterMania’s sources indicate that the president initially reached out to Andrew Lloyd Webber to write the music for Trump! The Musical!, but the composer of Cats and Jesus Christ Superstar has yet to return his call. “He’ll be getting a one-way ticket to El Salvador the next time he lands at JFK,” Trump reportedly told an aide who reminded the president that his favorite composer is an English baron.

But the show must go on. According to an official press release, the score of Trump! The Musical! will be penned by Kennedy Center trustee Lee Greenwood, with a book by Grok, Elon Musk’s AI chatbot.

“I’ve contacted all 831 Tony voters after mining government databases for their personal information and I’m confident that we’re going to win the Tony,” said the world’s currently richest man.

Casting has not yet been revealed, but the president insists that the chorus will feature “only 10s,” and that the title role will be played by “a young Marlon Brando type.”

While performance dates have yet to be revealed, this morning at 2:03am Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth texted “U up?” to our editor-in-chief, followed by a document containing detailed plans for an opening night party on July 4, 2026—the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. According to that document, the event will feature a performance by Kanye West and a Diet Coke fountain shaped like Ivanka.

And in a year when news and satire are practically indistinguishable, we wish you TheaterManiacs a very happy April Fools’ Day.